Feeling Guilty Over "Mike"

This 44 year old Unmarried Chica is feeling rather guilty on this morning. Yep.... I lusted big time over Channung Tatum's tight body and well played simulations of oral sex. Oh my goodness. It was just one hugr reminder that I have been without sex for 22 years, and that when I did have it, I would have done better staying a virgin and buying some heavy duty Vibrators.
Yep... I need the Lord to help me not to mess up any further. Sometimes, I feel like I've missed out. Like my youth was wasted in hating myself, and others. Will God restore all that was taken from me, by others and my own foolishness, insecurities, and sin? I certainly hope so..
Perhaps being hurt/used by Timothy was a good thing. It could uave been a lot worse. Way worse. But God... But God.... But God gave me the Grace to continue on and do a 180.. Thank God for Jesus. I am free to be (a growing) me...

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I almost got suckered by an Author...

I don't know why, but one of my favorite authors decided that she was going to release an IR with a lesbian bent. Seriously??!!! Seriously??!!! As if I need to read that crap. And what made it so bad is that the book was 99 cents, and it neglected to give a true synopsis. I knew better rhan to read it after a certain point, and i regret the fact that I did. k wam99 cents

I choose to have a good attitude...

Awesome Day!

Today was an awesome day!

I avoided an arguement with BEC & I saw Mr. M & his wife agin. I s . so glad that God worked it out for them. 2 checks a month!
Other than that, i am so gr8ful that God has blessed me ans my family...

I need to take a Vacay and just Shut Up

I seriously need to take a Vacation, so that I can just sit down somewhere and shut up.

Why am I saying this? This is all because I gave another salesman at the Audi delearship, " the Business" regarding my displeasure being treated as a nonentity (initially) on yesterday. He said that he would speak to the manager and make it right, byt at this moment I am so done with them.

However, on the inside, I do feel like crap for the way that I spoke to him. I treated bim poorly, and quite frankly, I was engaging in emotional bullshit with a whopping stinky dose of bad emotional hygiene. I need to work that shit outon my own and/or with a therapist.

Despite the fact thst i fucked up again, i will not be against myself and do self sabatoge. I am going to work on me and deal with it.

If I didn't know that I was black before today, I sure as Fuck do now...

Today, I went shopping for the Infiniti, and had a chance to test drive two vehicles. But also, i got a taste of some seriously annoying disrespect at an Audi Dealership in Euless. Initially when Eld. M and i went into the dealership, no one said not one frickin thing. Just absolutely ignored us, and they did it for so lo g that I had a chance to look up the name of the best salesman on the lot, and after i got a half-assed response from 1 salesguy, it took more time until i finally moved to ask one of the black guys sitting in an office about why it was taking so long to be helped. Simply put, I was pissed. Finally as a black sales guy was approaching the area where the man's office was, he stopped to ask if i needed some help, and i explained that i was waiting on homeboy, but he hadn't shown up yet.And yes, i did tell him that i was upset, and felt disrespected. More than likely, my statement, along with my expectation to receive stellar service, and the fact that i am currently a Black lower middleclass woman, had something to do with the lack of enthusiasm, and general shitty service that i received on today. The one bright spot was the salesman, but i think that he just wanted us out of his hair. I want to write a letter or call their corporate office, but those German bastards would probably ask why did my Black ass want a fucking Infiniti. Yep folks... I am pissed, but i will get over it. Why are some people so fucking uncool?

Less Sleep=One Cranky Chica

I need some freakin' rest....

Today was the greatest day, so far...

Awesome on to day! Looking forward to an even better one on tomorrow..

Saw the "Age of Adeline" again after an interesting day

On today, I had to put Vincent in check after he attempted to hug/harrass Steph. He stsrted huffing and puffing, but i didn't give a flip, because he was wrong, and Steph was uncomfortable. No one should have to put up with that kind of shit. After that happened, we kept the doors closed to to Staff area. Also, i came to the conclusion on today that the Duncanville Cheddars is not a good place to patronize. Besides the issue with their credit card machine, the waitress was very blase, and the manager didn't offer his apologies in person for jacking up my lunch hour. Instead of easting my $$$ worh Cheddars, i went to Braums, and spent 60% less than i would have at Cheddars.

Before we closed, that young black mother with thw three kids came in agai. And let her children run like wild animals. When 1 of her sons tried to stab me with a pencil, i wanted to spano his little ass. When i let her know about him trying to stab me, she tells the security guard, "Officer, arrest him." i decided not to joke about this, and instead told her that shes the Mom, so therefore she needed ti handle it. She carried them/him for 9 months and will be taking care of him until the day that she dies, and so thetefore she has to handle it. Because if the woman i. baltimore can hanfle it, sheo could too.

When i got home after work, i wanted to just settle in, but my bro decided to watch some true crime show. Since i was somewhat agitated, i decided to get away and go somewhere to eat and read. While i was on the way to Denny's, I decided to go ahead and use my Groupon to see "The Age of Adeline" once more before the Avengers 2 take over the theatres and push movies like Adeline out...

I just wanted to relax. This wasn't meant for me to complain.

I decree and declare that this is going to be an awesome day!!!

This is going to be one of the best days of my Life😘

Awesome Day...

I had a great day on today... I took care of my vehicle registration, paid off two library fines, had some food, and saw 2 movies.. One of which was "Furious 7" for the 3rd time! I loved it, so i don't care if i come off weird or anything...

The 2nd movie that i saw was "The Age of Adelaine." The primary male character in that movie was absolutely gorgeous!!! And I mean like "Wow!!!" Just absolutely breathtaking...






A Simply gorgeous, who just happens to star in a great movie...

I'm giving the movie an A-...

Premenstrual Blues

Simply put, I am horny, and i want some relief un the form of 3-4 deep orgasms that will knock my socks off. I wish that i had my own condo, where i could just ride a sybian all night long. I am a 44 year old woman who longs to be touched, but hates being touched by strange people.

Closure, Research Papers, and a sigh of relief

OK, so this morning, I sent Tim a message regarding the fact that I am no longer angry, and that I wish him well in his marriage. I told to him that I've been praying for him, and that I wish that things had turned out differently, that we'd been friends or associates.

I felt so nervous writing that message because you never know how someone is going to reach to you. You don't know if they're going to agree that peace needs to be brokered, or if they will somehow find a way to once again stomp your mended heart into shattered pieces.

I hate conflict, I really do.

I just wonder:

1. Will he respond?
2. What will he say, and how will he say it?

I just want to move forward by draining the bitterness, and getting some closure.

Sunday, Runday

Yesterday was an interesting day. It was a fairly good day at church. However, being the logical thinker that I am, a few things didn't jibe, but I've chalked it up to having to " follow onto know."

Yesterday evening was trippy because in a sense, it felt like I was undergoing some type of spiritual warfare, or maybe it was just my logic getting in the way.

I love God,  I love my Pastor and I love my church, but I have a problem with reconciling the m-l-m as being legitimate, and I'm beginning to question this drawn out currency exchange wait.

I've read up on a particular exchange guru, and frankly, he sounds like a frickin shiester in the flesh. I don't know if that is the person that she subscribes to, and if so, what am I to do with that?

I believe that God is going to bless us. I believe that God is going to bless me. And I have to just deal with these doubt's before it takes me out and derails my future.

For 17 years, I've walked this road, and it definitely hasn't always been easy. For me, rejection is a big fear, and I have to overcome it without sacrificing my character and integrity.

But what am I to do when certain things are staring me dead in my face?

Does God see me as a doubting sinful heathen? Am I wrong to question what goes on at church?

At what point does it become sin for me to question what goes on?

Will my Pastor and my church reject and shun me?

Will God kick me to the curb because I'm have these doubt's?

What can I do?

2nd Thoughts from an Introspective thinker/Nerd

OK, so I've had about 12 hours and ponder the stuff that happened on yesterday, and what I've discovered is this, at this later time in my life, I'm starting to get some self-respect, I'm learning to set some boundaries, and I'm learning to cut people off when they prove themselves to be untrustworthy. I'm thankful for a developing sense if discernment, and I'm thankful that I've learned to truly love and respect myself. Although "Tim" happened, it was a good thing. Because that situation taught me where my weaknesses were and it taught me to get on the stick and work on me. That whole fairytale about a man coming to rescue me, just isn't true. It's only by the Grace of God that my life will count for something good.

Loneliness & the Infinite Sadness

Feeling lonely and mischevious, I conducted an impromptu social experiment via the Craigslist (er, Craigslust) platonic personals section on Friday night. My intent in doing so was two fold: 1. I was lonely and wanted someone new to talk to. 2. I wanted to see just how many nasty assholes would attempt to contact me despite my warnings about only wanting to chat. Of course, I had some weirdos reply, but I also had two interesting ones. The first was a so-called pilot from Canada who stated that he was married, so when that was mentioned, I definitely had to set up some steel toe boundaries with him. For a day, it was nice, but then he started trying to be really flirty. And when that happened, I would bring up his wife and reminders regarding how precious the marriage covenant really is. After I began to bore him, he ended it with a smirky comment. And another one bites the dust... The second one was a 49 year old educated Hispanic guy with penchant for music. Now him, I really did like because the conversation was easy and not at all flirty.. However after a day or so, he asked if I would like to contact him offline via text and he gave me his personal email address. I really did like him, but something just kept telling me to wait before I got in too deep. Well, on this morning, instead of saying "Hi" after he emailed me with a Good morning "Hi," I decided to wait a while before emailing him. Well let me tell you this, it was a good thing that i did that, because homeboy has some serious insecurity and anger issues going. So with that being said, I decided to cut him loose instead of utilizing my father's method of slowly but surely weeding someone out of my life. The one thing that I glad about is that I didn't allow myself to stomp him verbally, because I really wanted to. When he made the statement that everyone else via CL treated him this way, I almost made the statement that he was the common denominator. I'm really glad that I did not do that, because that would have really ticked him off. Oh well, the experiment continues. http://toohottieforthatbody.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/cameron-thats-messed-up-modern-family.gif

Today was a food day. I was able to go to church, and afterwards, I had some me time @ Braun's. I ate a junior hamburger, small order of fries, and a Caramel Brownie Sunday. After that , I went in search of a Goodwill store to hunt down a used laptop, in good condition. One issue that I had on today,was swollen feet, ankles, and calves. All I know is thia, I have got to cut back on the salty faar foos

Lost 8 pounds, have a bit o' stuff to deal with

The overall purpose of this blog is for me to get some stuff off of my chest without suffering the judgements of others, nor the intense inner turmoil that comes from keeping it all in. On Sunday morning, I was on FB about to see if my family in California was doing ok, and lo and behold, what do I see? The asshole and some mexican chick on his profile getting jiggy with it... Now before you get me wrong, know this. Tim's profile was on a list of friends to add (of which I said, Hell to the No!), but of course, I being the emotional sadist that I am, choose to look at his profile, and what do I see? I see that he is engaged to the mexican/costa rican/spanish chica as of this month. For a moment there, I had a moment of grief that stemmed from the months that i lost pining over this motherfucking Narcisstic asshole. I had to go back and ask myself, did I really think so low of myself that I actually wanted this asshole & thought that his ill-treatment of me was acceptable? As I began to give it some thought, I considered the 3 moments in my life where I tried to use food/weight gain as a way to smother my feelings about men. The conclusion? I just need to stop the bullshit, and just move on. That asshole never cared about me. He only cared about the A's & B's that I was able to generate for his papers. Lazy Ass MotherFucking Bastard. Yes, I motherfucking said iT!!! Lazy Ass Pussy of a Motherfucking Bastard!!! Ahh... That feels better. I hope I never cross paths with that Asshole ever again. I feel sorry for his fiancee, because Tim is a serious fucking Narcisstic asshole that just may take her through thre freaking wringer. God bless her soul. I do have to say this... In a way, as a multiracial woman of African descent, I felt like I was treated as a potential come dump, in favor of a lighter skinned woman with european features and a petite body. In other words, for a brief moment, I made the foolish move of comparing myself to the mexican/puerto rican/spanish chica. I have to wonder, did he just shit all over me because I'm black? Not skinny? Was shy about being overtly sexual, or what?? Why didn't he treat me right and see me as worthy of being loved? Why?!

What lies beneath...

Well, today, my family had to go and have Precious put down. Her kidneys were failing, and as anyone knows, a kidney transplant for a dog, would be economically outrageous. I'm so thankful that "we" had the money to cover the $4600 Vet bill, and also, I'm thankful for the awesome staff at the Vet Clinic. They were absolutely amazing. I'm going to miss Precious, and her weird funky bark/howl... And I will especially miss telling her "Don't Bite Me!" whenever I would give her a treat (which was just about always). We had five good years with that dog, I guess I can and should be grateful for that. But regardless, it still hurts not to have her here with us. If anything, paying $4600 for 5 days of care helped us to get closure.

Precious may be put to sleep

Last night, my brother and I took one of our dogs to a 24 hour vet. Precious has been feeling quite ill, and with that being the case we took her to the Vet. Of course, they wanted $1000 as a deposit. Her diagnosis? Well, apparently she has some type of major infection that's affecting her kidneys. I believe that we've gone as far as we can, in regards to the care and comfort of this dog. For 5 years we've cared for our baby girl, after we found her living on the street. She'd been 5 months old and was seriously abused by people living in/near our neighborhood. Thank God we were able to take her in and love her... Even though putting her down might be the best thing to do, it still hurts.