Gained 10 pounds, but I'm going to lose 60 more

For the past month, I have been depressed, angry, frustrated, fearful, and sad.. I just started classes again for the Fall semester, and I have 1 more semester to go after this. I guess that you could say that I'm starting to feel the pressure. And on top of that, I saw that asshole again on last week. As if seeing his stupid oversized truck wasn't enough, I'm sitting in class and this jerk starts to walk by, sees me, and then stops. I do a double-take, do my best impersonation of a bitch glaring at a jerk, turn my head and return to the lecture presented by my Uber-Hilarious Chinese Immigrant Professor (yes folks, my professor has jokes, and plenty of 'em).

But getting back to Tim, I've decided to leave him alone. The man totally disrespected me, used me, and mocked me. I don't need nor want his brand of shit running amok in my life. Heck, I even disrespected myself, but guess what? It's a new Fucking day in my neighborhood.

I lost my way for a short season, but now, I'm back on track. Just because I don't fit his definition of beautiful/gorgeous, doesn't me that I'm not. I refuse to be against myself any longer. I refuse to hate myself, and stuff my gut to the gills, simply because I'm so fucking out of touch with my fucked up emotions that I can't see the forest for the fucking trees.

For the past 2 weeks, the voices saying that I was ugly, that I was stupid, crazy, fat, and deserving of punishment, just ran rampant and unchecked through my head. I let that shit happen because I didn't manage my inner emotional life worth a flip. I knew better than that, but I allowed myself to engage in a perpetual pity party that has resulted in me having more wiggle ass-wise and increased feelings of 'steaming hot guilt.'

I wish that I could talk to someone, but there's no one that I trust enough to 'not' cut my feelings up with their words and judgement.

Go figure...

It's really over now....

I believe that things are finally over. After having to take care of my own business with Finals, my Final Paper, and getting my students ready for their final exam, I only had about 3 hours to devote to preparing his PowerPoint for his CJUS/Counseling Class.

First off, it was my fault for agreeing to take on that added stress. $75 was not enough.

Unfortunately, his instructor didn't like what I put together, so therefore, he had to redo it. Guess I won't be getting that bonus, huh?

Considering the fact that he cheated me out of $100+ for papers that I'd written for him, but was never paid for, I believe that we're about even now.

I just didn't want any bad feelings when it ended.

Hopefully the next time that I see, I'll no longer be attracted to him.

Yes, I did it again. I said yes 2 creating his presentation. Lazy bastard. This is the absolute last frickin time that I 'm doing this for him or anyone else for that ,after..

He contacted me on today to help him with a Presentation. I told him that I'm busy with my own stuff.
Simply Put: I'm done.

Feeling really good about that...

I have about 9 days until the end of the Spring semester, and I feel good... I got my 1st massage ever, a chair massage at school on Wednesday, given by this ultra-fine male masseuse.. Although he was a little on the short side, he definitely had great hands...Kinda wish I could pay him for an hour's worth of his time.. He was just that good.

Moving on, I've dropped down to 216 from 262 (in May of 2012)... I'm really looking forward to hitting 205, and then 195, 185, 175, 165, 155, and then 145. 

As I was contemplating the last 20 years, I thought back to when I was 22, with no sense of self-respect. During that time, I was involved with a lifeguard, M, which was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but it's one that I've learned from. During that period in my life, I didn't think I deserved to be treated better than how M had treated me, however this time around was different.

I feel that I've grown in the way that I've been able to give my anger and frustration a voice, and not allow the turmoil to build to the point that I'm consuming lots of food to numb the pain. For me, it was important to tell TK that he was wrong, that I knew what he was trying to do, and in effect, I was cutting his ass off. I can't believe that he had the nerve to invite me to his friggin' graduation. As soon as I read that, I smelled a rat. He thought that he could get me to help him, by throwing me one last crumb of love&affection, but he was wrong...

He thought that I was a fool & that he could play me (to get more papers, etc), but what he doesn't know is had it not been for the grace and mercy of God, I would have seriously messed him up personally and professionally.

Although for TK, being who he is, has it's privileges, his professional and socioeconomic status cannot protect him from everything, not even a serious case of arrogant stupidity. I feel sorry for him, because the next chick that he tries to scam may not be as nice, and instead she may be batshit crazy.  Overall, it's not my concern, but I sure hope that I won't end up reading about his relationship in the news or watch it play out on local or national tv.

Ok, it's time for me to stop talking and thinking about him. My neck is beginning to stiffen up. I guess it's my body's way of telling me that talking/thinking about him isn't doing me any good at all...

Oh well, lesson learned.

I'm writing all of this, so that I don't allow it to build up inside and cause me to say something that I just can't take back... Jerk, or no Jerk, some battles/people are not worth fighting/fighting with.. This is a bitter learning experience that I just have to process and utilize as a reminder, the next time some punk starts spouting his bs.

I have to keep in mind to forgive, holding onto this crap won't do me any good..