Was really sad & depressed on this morning. Cried some, which felt like a relief. Was asking myself, "why all of this sadness?" Wondered if I was crying because of his rejection of me as a woman, or because I'd lost someone that I'd really liked, like I haven't done in a long, long, long time...Also, I wondered if it was a combination of the two, along with a really good dose of shame. I do feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that i could allow myself to be duped like that. I feel like the Weird and not to mention Awkward Nerd who was suckered by the Popular High School Jock into doing his homework. I feel like such a fool. What really feels bad is that that bastard doesn't have a clue or if he does, he just doesn't give a damn about how manipulative that he really was. What I want to know is, when is this going to be made right? And when am I going to be able to laugh his dumb behavior off

On yesterday, I finished the last of the  papers that I promised to help him with. He shorted me $19. So instead of being angry and riding his behind about it, I made a decision to forgive the debt, forgive him, and cut him loose. I sent him a nice email, thanking him for the money, letting him know that I thought that he was a nice person, but that I understood now that he was not into me, the way that I was into him. I also let him know that I was going to delete his number and his email address. Amazingly enough, I feel free with very little stress. I don't know what it was, but I felt such a strong attraction towards him, almost like he was my "zing"... but I now know that it was temporary infatuation on my part, and a bold underhanded effort to be a user and tease on his part. I can't be angry about the experience, because for the 1st time in a long time, I could actually "feel"... It's hard to explain, but that was a part of me that I'd closed off for so long that when it happened, it felt so overpowering. After loosing 40lbs, I felt somewhat good about my body. With that being said, I am looking forward to losing the next 40 and the next 40 again, so that I can reach my goal size of a size 8. I'm halfway there, and it feels so good.

I think that overall, I believe that this experience with TK was just preparing me for who God has for me. Someone who won't think that I'm weird, Someone who will love me for me, and above all love God.
I should have checked out his nature, his personality, because these 4 months have been a serious rollercoaster ride.

To end this session, this morning, I had a revelation. I believe that it was from God. The reason why TK kept shorting me on the money he owed me, is because he wanted to keep me hanging on, keep the door open, if you will.

Well, yesterday, by the grace of God, I managed to shut that door, and I am so glad that I did.

I chose to delete some of the blog posts because it was 2 negative.although it was real honestand truthful it was 2 negative. Despite the fact that it was negative, it gave me a chance to voice my passionate feelings. For that, I am grateful. I am looking forward to a brighter future, and I am leaving behind my painful memories, and instead, I am moving forward. This was a valuable experience, but I believe that it was A reminder that I should never discount who I am as A woman. I have value and if someone can't see that then they are not the 1.

About 3 months ago, during finals, I became immensely attracted 2 a tall police recruit/process server. I had noticed him throughout the semester @ school, but when he mentioned that he had a girlfriend from a "South American" country, I crossed him off of my list. My 1st mistake, was not admitting 2 myself that I liked him, and my 2nd mistake, was not checking out his nature/character. About 18 years ago, i 'd gotten involved with a guy who was involved with someone else, but also sneaking around with a lot of other chicks as well. Simply put, that "boy", just wasn't worth my time nor the mental/emotional anguish, that I allowed myself 2 go thru. During the past 18 years, I'd only merely existed, having gained 80 lbs as a way 2 isolate myself from the eyes of as doggish men, ever again. The problem is this, that while I was building walls 2 keep men & other hurtful stuff out, I was building my own emotional/mental prison as well. Although what I hv written is ugly, it's real and it's honest. I needed 2 say what I said & I needed 2 give my passionate feelings a voice. I'm glad that I had a chance 2 get the anger out by getting real b4 God, my godmother, & this blog. Maybe, it wasn't such a bad thing 2 actually " feel" again. He wasn't the one', and that's OK...  Now that I HV forgiven him & me, I am free 2 continue my education, finish my degree, lose some more weight, work on me. Maybe this was God's way of showing me what was on the inside of me. What do I do with that?  As as soon as the 2nd paper is completed, I am deleting his number and his email address. I have chosen to forgive, but I will not forget the lesson, because it was too expensive to learn in the first place so therefore I am going to make the most of this experience as much as possible. I choose let it go and I choose to be free. I hope he does well in the future. above all and wish him well.

For the past few months, I've been experiencing an interesting conundrum of sorts.. As a more "seasoned" woman returning to school, I feel as if in some ways that I'm beginning to evolve, and that I'm beginning to open up. One of those ways has been in the area of Desire, Temptation, Sexual Yearning, you name it, it's there.

Last Semester, in one of my classes, there was this guy.. Tall, white, cute, strong, ex-Army, the stuff that some of the hottest IRR erotic novels are made of.. Smooth talking with great hands, this guy really didn't show up on my radar until much later in the semester. At first, he spoke of his girlfriend from a South American country (Hispanic), and about somethings that she experienced being from that culture (cartels, etc)... So yeah, I saw him, but I really didn't pay him much mind, because for one thing, I was dealing with a pseudo/near-Catfish like relationship with some ex-Army guy in Oklahoma (who is white, as well)..

Towards the end of the semester, this guy, lets call him "TK," manages to show up on my radar in a major way. He tells me that he thought I was mean, because of the intense way that I would look during lectures and most recently during his group's presentation.

This guy is charismatic, smooth, and a serious P****y Houndpussy hound. I didn't find that last part out until later, when he drafted me {with those big puppy dog eyes and strong hands (massaging my shoulders for 1 blissful minute)} to help his group edit their paper, because it was completely jacked up.

So, like a sucker, I did it. Stayed up until 1 am working on his group's paper, working on his paper while at work, on my lunch break, and then later at school. We worked on that sucker within a 48 hour period right up until the fucking deadline. (yes, I said fucking, because I just need to be real and get this crap off of my chest without any fucking judgement from anyone).

But here's the kicker, this 6'2" tall bastard asks me if I'd like to flirt. What the fuck does that even mean? Do I want to fucking flirt? Me, being goofy with stars in her eyes, says "sure.."

He takes my cell #, sends himself a text, and it's history. Now here comes the fun part, this police recruit who probably has loads of experience, basically rocks my cerebral world for 2 weeks.  He tells me that he'd make me melt, that he'd use his tongue on me, etc...  Yes, I was horny.  I knew that it was getting out of hand, and I knew that he had a girlfriend, which I talked about often, and I actually told him 2x that we needed to cool it, that he had a girlfriend & flirting wasn't cool, but did he listen to me... Nope.... Like any sincere P***y Hound seeking backup P***y, this guy continues to dig, until I had to apply a verbal smackdown, telling him that I wasn't comfortable with it, and so on..

After that, I thought that I'd finally managed to shake him loose. I erased all of his emails & his text message & his phone # from my cell.

So what happens? On New Year's Day, this monkey sends me a text asking if I'd like to let him give me a massage. WTH???!!

After that, truth be told, I injured my foot, sent him a text asking him to come and massage (goofy, right).. And of course, he doesn't show up... Why? Because he's all talk, and I had essentially been designated to the role of "Backup P***y.."

Just being real, because I need to get this off of my chest...

Fast forward to a new semester... This knucklehead sends me a text message saying "Hi" and asking if I would help him with writing papers, etc...

I ask him if anyone else can help him... He goes off in a huff, and get's even huffier when I send him a text at 3 in the morning telling him that I just can't do it, that I don't like the way that he treated me, and that I wish him well..

He then texts me, saying "Really? Wow.. Plz" & then he says that he's going to erase my info from his phone.. Yippe Kay-yay Motherfucker... Please do...

But guess what? He doesn't.. And how do I know? Because he texts me 1 week later...

And the rest gets interesting....

Bye for now