I have to keep in mind to forgive, holding onto this crap won't do me any good..

It's a new day & I feel so much better! "TK" has not bothered me at all.. (More than likely due to the fact that I blocked his other email address)...

I feel as if I can breathe, like I'm free from having to deal with him & his emotional bullshit/NLP. This experience has enabled me to reevaluate my relationships with the people in my life.. Recovering from Codependency can be a real bitch, because you can have such an unnatural tendency to want to please people until it becomes unreal, but I've learned my lesson.

If TK had just been upfront with me from the beginning & not involved any verbal foreplay nor touching, I would have loved being his associate.

I'm just glad that it's over, that I've had a chance to see what his girlfriend looks like online & what his dating profile looks like (what the heck was I thinking??? Had to be that NLP/Pandora's Box Narcissistic bullshit)...

I'm hoping that I can make it through this semester without having to talk to him.. If he tries to approach me, I'm just going to walk away without saying a thing.

Doing so much better....

Today is April 4, 2013, I'm 9 days away from my birthday & I feel great! What's really awesome is that the jerk contacted me via email on yesterday evening, asking me to help him write one of his papers (that's due on Tuesday!) ... I had a feeling that he would resurface, and wouldn't you know it... The bastard pops his weaselly head up again once more...

Well, things have changed... I have a better understanding of where I went wrong, and how to take a detour from that pile of emotional bullshit...

Although I have forgiven him & feel no animosity towards him, I did confront him via email about why I am no longer in contact with him.

1. He accused me of harrassing him. (Which is Absolute Bullshit. He didn't want to pay for the assistance that I provided so therefore, being a police recruit, process server, and skip tracer, he decided to hand me a subtle threat, which is cool, because I was getting tired of jumping through hoops to be paid.)

2. He insinuated that I was crazy. (I'm totally calling Bullshit on this).

3. He played with my affections. (He flirted with me for the sole purpose of receiving assistance to write his papers & just to get his rocks off. Yes folks, he's one Kinky monkey).

4. He cheated me out of $75 for a paper that he was supposed to have paid me for. (Refer to reason #1. I forgave him, because if I hadn't, I would gotten so bitter that I would have fucked him up royally online & at school)

I felt that by confronting him in regards to these issues, that he would have gotten the message, but it's obvious to me that either he believes that I'm desperate & stupid, and/or he doesn't believe that his shit stinks.

I tried to be nice, I really did. What really amazes me is that after I let him know that I was busy with my own schoolwork, he still manages to beg me to help, like I OWE him. Seriously?!!!

This man has a girlfriend, I don't know how serious things are, but there is some sort of a relationship going on with the mysterious Costa Rican Chica....(although offering to pay me with a Dooney & Burke purse has left me wondering if things are rocky in paradise).
 
Ok, so getting back to the paper, etc...   I decided to charge him $20/page, just so I could have some extra change. He said that he can only pay $50 for a 5 page paper. So then, I let him know that $50 was not enough. That I was methodical about writing, and that my skill was worth more than than. I also mentioned (previously) that he doesn't respect me nor does he value my skills.

After he gave his passive-aggressive response of Ok,etc... I gave him 3 links to sites where he could have someone write his papers for a price. Not only that, but I wished him well while he was in San Antonio, and for him to be safe.

At this point in time, I feel so good because I changed how I interacted with him. Instead of being pissy and reacting, I chose to be peaceable and respond to his emails.

Even though he acts like a nice person, he's still a manipulative and not to mention, seductive, Narcissist, and personally, I no longer have time for his Bullshit.

Was really sad & depressed on this morning. Cried some, which felt like a relief. Was asking myself, "why all of this sadness?" Wondered if I was crying because of his rejection of me as a woman, or because I'd lost someone that I'd really liked, like I haven't done in a long, long, long time...Also, I wondered if it was a combination of the two, along with a really good dose of shame. I do feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that i could allow myself to be duped like that. I feel like the Weird and not to mention Awkward Nerd who was suckered by the Popular High School Jock into doing his homework. I feel like such a fool. What really feels bad is that that bastard doesn't have a clue or if he does, he just doesn't give a damn about how manipulative that he really was. What I want to know is, when is this going to be made right? And when am I going to be able to laugh his dumb behavior off

On yesterday, I finished the last of the  papers that I promised to help him with. He shorted me $19. So instead of being angry and riding his behind about it, I made a decision to forgive the debt, forgive him, and cut him loose. I sent him a nice email, thanking him for the money, letting him know that I thought that he was a nice person, but that I understood now that he was not into me, the way that I was into him. I also let him know that I was going to delete his number and his email address. Amazingly enough, I feel free with very little stress. I don't know what it was, but I felt such a strong attraction towards him, almost like he was my "zing"... but I now know that it was temporary infatuation on my part, and a bold underhanded effort to be a user and tease on his part. I can't be angry about the experience, because for the 1st time in a long time, I could actually "feel"... It's hard to explain, but that was a part of me that I'd closed off for so long that when it happened, it felt so overpowering. After loosing 40lbs, I felt somewhat good about my body. With that being said, I am looking forward to losing the next 40 and the next 40 again, so that I can reach my goal size of a size 8. I'm halfway there, and it feels so good.

I think that overall, I believe that this experience with TK was just preparing me for who God has for me. Someone who won't think that I'm weird, Someone who will love me for me, and above all love God.
I should have checked out his nature, his personality, because these 4 months have been a serious rollercoaster ride.

To end this session, this morning, I had a revelation. I believe that it was from God. The reason why TK kept shorting me on the money he owed me, is because he wanted to keep me hanging on, keep the door open, if you will.

Well, yesterday, by the grace of God, I managed to shut that door, and I am so glad that I did.

I chose to delete some of the blog posts because it was 2 negative.although it was real honestand truthful it was 2 negative. Despite the fact that it was negative, it gave me a chance to voice my passionate feelings. For that, I am grateful. I am looking forward to a brighter future, and I am leaving behind my painful memories, and instead, I am moving forward. This was a valuable experience, but I believe that it was A reminder that I should never discount who I am as A woman. I have value and if someone can't see that then they are not the 1.

About 3 months ago, during finals, I became immensely attracted 2 a tall police recruit/process server. I had noticed him throughout the semester @ school, but when he mentioned that he had a girlfriend from a "South American" country, I crossed him off of my list. My 1st mistake, was not admitting 2 myself that I liked him, and my 2nd mistake, was not checking out his nature/character. About 18 years ago, i 'd gotten involved with a guy who was involved with someone else, but also sneaking around with a lot of other chicks as well. Simply put, that "boy", just wasn't worth my time nor the mental/emotional anguish, that I allowed myself 2 go thru. During the past 18 years, I'd only merely existed, having gained 80 lbs as a way 2 isolate myself from the eyes of as doggish men, ever again. The problem is this, that while I was building walls 2 keep men & other hurtful stuff out, I was building my own emotional/mental prison as well. Although what I hv written is ugly, it's real and it's honest. I needed 2 say what I said & I needed 2 give my passionate feelings a voice. I'm glad that I had a chance 2 get the anger out by getting real b4 God, my godmother, & this blog. Maybe, it wasn't such a bad thing 2 actually " feel" again. He wasn't the one', and that's OK...  Now that I HV forgiven him & me, I am free 2 continue my education, finish my degree, lose some more weight, work on me. Maybe this was God's way of showing me what was on the inside of me. What do I do with that?  As as soon as the 2nd paper is completed, I am deleting his number and his email address. I have chosen to forgive, but I will not forget the lesson, because it was too expensive to learn in the first place so therefore I am going to make the most of this experience as much as possible. I choose let it go and I choose to be free. I hope he does well in the future. above all and wish him well.