Gained 10 pounds, but I'm going to lose 60 more

For the past month, I have been depressed, angry, frustrated, fearful, and sad.. I just started classes again for the Fall semester, and I have 1 more semester to go after this. I guess that you could say that I'm starting to feel the pressure. And on top of that, I saw that asshole again on last week. As if seeing his stupid oversized truck wasn't enough, I'm sitting in class and this jerk starts to walk by, sees me, and then stops. I do a double-take, do my best impersonation of a bitch glaring at a jerk, turn my head and return to the lecture presented by my Uber-Hilarious Chinese Immigrant Professor (yes folks, my professor has jokes, and plenty of 'em).

But getting back to Tim, I've decided to leave him alone. The man totally disrespected me, used me, and mocked me. I don't need nor want his brand of shit running amok in my life. Heck, I even disrespected myself, but guess what? It's a new Fucking day in my neighborhood.

I lost my way for a short season, but now, I'm back on track. Just because I don't fit his definition of beautiful/gorgeous, doesn't me that I'm not. I refuse to be against myself any longer. I refuse to hate myself, and stuff my gut to the gills, simply because I'm so fucking out of touch with my fucked up emotions that I can't see the forest for the fucking trees.

For the past 2 weeks, the voices saying that I was ugly, that I was stupid, crazy, fat, and deserving of punishment, just ran rampant and unchecked through my head. I let that shit happen because I didn't manage my inner emotional life worth a flip. I knew better than that, but I allowed myself to engage in a perpetual pity party that has resulted in me having more wiggle ass-wise and increased feelings of 'steaming hot guilt.'

I wish that I could talk to someone, but there's no one that I trust enough to 'not' cut my feelings up with their words and judgement.

Go figure...

It's really over now....

I believe that things are finally over. After having to take care of my own business with Finals, my Final Paper, and getting my students ready for their final exam, I only had about 3 hours to devote to preparing his PowerPoint for his CJUS/Counseling Class.

First off, it was my fault for agreeing to take on that added stress. $75 was not enough.

Unfortunately, his instructor didn't like what I put together, so therefore, he had to redo it. Guess I won't be getting that bonus, huh?

Considering the fact that he cheated me out of $100+ for papers that I'd written for him, but was never paid for, I believe that we're about even now.

I just didn't want any bad feelings when it ended.

Hopefully the next time that I see, I'll no longer be attracted to him.

Yes, I did it again. I said yes 2 creating his presentation. Lazy bastard. This is the absolute last frickin time that I 'm doing this for him or anyone else for that ,after..

He contacted me on today to help him with a Presentation. I told him that I'm busy with my own stuff.
Simply Put: I'm done.

Feeling really good about that...

I have about 9 days until the end of the Spring semester, and I feel good... I got my 1st massage ever, a chair massage at school on Wednesday, given by this ultra-fine male masseuse.. Although he was a little on the short side, he definitely had great hands...Kinda wish I could pay him for an hour's worth of his time.. He was just that good.

Moving on, I've dropped down to 216 from 262 (in May of 2012)... I'm really looking forward to hitting 205, and then 195, 185, 175, 165, 155, and then 145. 

As I was contemplating the last 20 years, I thought back to when I was 22, with no sense of self-respect. During that time, I was involved with a lifeguard, M, which was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but it's one that I've learned from. During that period in my life, I didn't think I deserved to be treated better than how M had treated me, however this time around was different.

I feel that I've grown in the way that I've been able to give my anger and frustration a voice, and not allow the turmoil to build to the point that I'm consuming lots of food to numb the pain. For me, it was important to tell TK that he was wrong, that I knew what he was trying to do, and in effect, I was cutting his ass off. I can't believe that he had the nerve to invite me to his friggin' graduation. As soon as I read that, I smelled a rat. He thought that he could get me to help him, by throwing me one last crumb of love&affection, but he was wrong...

He thought that I was a fool & that he could play me (to get more papers, etc), but what he doesn't know is had it not been for the grace and mercy of God, I would have seriously messed him up personally and professionally.

Although for TK, being who he is, has it's privileges, his professional and socioeconomic status cannot protect him from everything, not even a serious case of arrogant stupidity. I feel sorry for him, because the next chick that he tries to scam may not be as nice, and instead she may be batshit crazy.  Overall, it's not my concern, but I sure hope that I won't end up reading about his relationship in the news or watch it play out on local or national tv.

Ok, it's time for me to stop talking and thinking about him. My neck is beginning to stiffen up. I guess it's my body's way of telling me that talking/thinking about him isn't doing me any good at all...

Oh well, lesson learned.

I'm writing all of this, so that I don't allow it to build up inside and cause me to say something that I just can't take back... Jerk, or no Jerk, some battles/people are not worth fighting/fighting with.. This is a bitter learning experience that I just have to process and utilize as a reminder, the next time some punk starts spouting his bs.

I have to keep in mind to forgive, holding onto this crap won't do me any good..

It's a new day & I feel so much better! "TK" has not bothered me at all.. (More than likely due to the fact that I blocked his other email address)...

I feel as if I can breathe, like I'm free from having to deal with him & his emotional bullshit/NLP. This experience has enabled me to reevaluate my relationships with the people in my life.. Recovering from Codependency can be a real bitch, because you can have such an unnatural tendency to want to please people until it becomes unreal, but I've learned my lesson.

If TK had just been upfront with me from the beginning & not involved any verbal foreplay nor touching, I would have loved being his associate.

I'm just glad that it's over, that I've had a chance to see what his girlfriend looks like online & what his dating profile looks like (what the heck was I thinking??? Had to be that NLP/Pandora's Box Narcissistic bullshit)...

I'm hoping that I can make it through this semester without having to talk to him.. If he tries to approach me, I'm just going to walk away without saying a thing.

Doing so much better....

Today is April 4, 2013, I'm 9 days away from my birthday & I feel great! What's really awesome is that the jerk contacted me via email on yesterday evening, asking me to help him write one of his papers (that's due on Tuesday!) ... I had a feeling that he would resurface, and wouldn't you know it... The bastard pops his weaselly head up again once more...

Well, things have changed... I have a better understanding of where I went wrong, and how to take a detour from that pile of emotional bullshit...

Although I have forgiven him & feel no animosity towards him, I did confront him via email about why I am no longer in contact with him.

1. He accused me of harrassing him. (Which is Absolute Bullshit. He didn't want to pay for the assistance that I provided so therefore, being a police recruit, process server, and skip tracer, he decided to hand me a subtle threat, which is cool, because I was getting tired of jumping through hoops to be paid.)

2. He insinuated that I was crazy. (I'm totally calling Bullshit on this).

3. He played with my affections. (He flirted with me for the sole purpose of receiving assistance to write his papers & just to get his rocks off. Yes folks, he's one Kinky monkey).

4. He cheated me out of $75 for a paper that he was supposed to have paid me for. (Refer to reason #1. I forgave him, because if I hadn't, I would gotten so bitter that I would have fucked him up royally online & at school)

I felt that by confronting him in regards to these issues, that he would have gotten the message, but it's obvious to me that either he believes that I'm desperate & stupid, and/or he doesn't believe that his shit stinks.

I tried to be nice, I really did. What really amazes me is that after I let him know that I was busy with my own schoolwork, he still manages to beg me to help, like I OWE him. Seriously?!!!

This man has a girlfriend, I don't know how serious things are, but there is some sort of a relationship going on with the mysterious Costa Rican Chica....(although offering to pay me with a Dooney & Burke purse has left me wondering if things are rocky in paradise).
 
Ok, so getting back to the paper, etc...   I decided to charge him $20/page, just so I could have some extra change. He said that he can only pay $50 for a 5 page paper. So then, I let him know that $50 was not enough. That I was methodical about writing, and that my skill was worth more than than. I also mentioned (previously) that he doesn't respect me nor does he value my skills.

After he gave his passive-aggressive response of Ok,etc... I gave him 3 links to sites where he could have someone write his papers for a price. Not only that, but I wished him well while he was in San Antonio, and for him to be safe.

At this point in time, I feel so good because I changed how I interacted with him. Instead of being pissy and reacting, I chose to be peaceable and respond to his emails.

Even though he acts like a nice person, he's still a manipulative and not to mention, seductive, Narcissist, and personally, I no longer have time for his Bullshit.

Was really sad & depressed on this morning. Cried some, which felt like a relief. Was asking myself, "why all of this sadness?" Wondered if I was crying because of his rejection of me as a woman, or because I'd lost someone that I'd really liked, like I haven't done in a long, long, long time...Also, I wondered if it was a combination of the two, along with a really good dose of shame. I do feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that i could allow myself to be duped like that. I feel like the Weird and not to mention Awkward Nerd who was suckered by the Popular High School Jock into doing his homework. I feel like such a fool. What really feels bad is that that bastard doesn't have a clue or if he does, he just doesn't give a damn about how manipulative that he really was. What I want to know is, when is this going to be made right? And when am I going to be able to laugh his dumb behavior off

On yesterday, I finished the last of the  papers that I promised to help him with. He shorted me $19. So instead of being angry and riding his behind about it, I made a decision to forgive the debt, forgive him, and cut him loose. I sent him a nice email, thanking him for the money, letting him know that I thought that he was a nice person, but that I understood now that he was not into me, the way that I was into him. I also let him know that I was going to delete his number and his email address. Amazingly enough, I feel free with very little stress. I don't know what it was, but I felt such a strong attraction towards him, almost like he was my "zing"... but I now know that it was temporary infatuation on my part, and a bold underhanded effort to be a user and tease on his part. I can't be angry about the experience, because for the 1st time in a long time, I could actually "feel"... It's hard to explain, but that was a part of me that I'd closed off for so long that when it happened, it felt so overpowering. After loosing 40lbs, I felt somewhat good about my body. With that being said, I am looking forward to losing the next 40 and the next 40 again, so that I can reach my goal size of a size 8. I'm halfway there, and it feels so good.

I think that overall, I believe that this experience with TK was just preparing me for who God has for me. Someone who won't think that I'm weird, Someone who will love me for me, and above all love God.
I should have checked out his nature, his personality, because these 4 months have been a serious rollercoaster ride.

To end this session, this morning, I had a revelation. I believe that it was from God. The reason why TK kept shorting me on the money he owed me, is because he wanted to keep me hanging on, keep the door open, if you will.

Well, yesterday, by the grace of God, I managed to shut that door, and I am so glad that I did.

I chose to delete some of the blog posts because it was 2 negative.although it was real honestand truthful it was 2 negative. Despite the fact that it was negative, it gave me a chance to voice my passionate feelings. For that, I am grateful. I am looking forward to a brighter future, and I am leaving behind my painful memories, and instead, I am moving forward. This was a valuable experience, but I believe that it was A reminder that I should never discount who I am as A woman. I have value and if someone can't see that then they are not the 1.

About 3 months ago, during finals, I became immensely attracted 2 a tall police recruit/process server. I had noticed him throughout the semester @ school, but when he mentioned that he had a girlfriend from a "South American" country, I crossed him off of my list. My 1st mistake, was not admitting 2 myself that I liked him, and my 2nd mistake, was not checking out his nature/character. About 18 years ago, i 'd gotten involved with a guy who was involved with someone else, but also sneaking around with a lot of other chicks as well. Simply put, that "boy", just wasn't worth my time nor the mental/emotional anguish, that I allowed myself 2 go thru. During the past 18 years, I'd only merely existed, having gained 80 lbs as a way 2 isolate myself from the eyes of as doggish men, ever again. The problem is this, that while I was building walls 2 keep men & other hurtful stuff out, I was building my own emotional/mental prison as well. Although what I hv written is ugly, it's real and it's honest. I needed 2 say what I said & I needed 2 give my passionate feelings a voice. I'm glad that I had a chance 2 get the anger out by getting real b4 God, my godmother, & this blog. Maybe, it wasn't such a bad thing 2 actually " feel" again. He wasn't the one', and that's OK...  Now that I HV forgiven him & me, I am free 2 continue my education, finish my degree, lose some more weight, work on me. Maybe this was God's way of showing me what was on the inside of me. What do I do with that?  As as soon as the 2nd paper is completed, I am deleting his number and his email address. I have chosen to forgive, but I will not forget the lesson, because it was too expensive to learn in the first place so therefore I am going to make the most of this experience as much as possible. I choose let it go and I choose to be free. I hope he does well in the future. above all and wish him well.

For the past few months, I've been experiencing an interesting conundrum of sorts.. As a more "seasoned" woman returning to school, I feel as if in some ways that I'm beginning to evolve, and that I'm beginning to open up. One of those ways has been in the area of Desire, Temptation, Sexual Yearning, you name it, it's there.

Last Semester, in one of my classes, there was this guy.. Tall, white, cute, strong, ex-Army, the stuff that some of the hottest IRR erotic novels are made of.. Smooth talking with great hands, this guy really didn't show up on my radar until much later in the semester. At first, he spoke of his girlfriend from a South American country (Hispanic), and about somethings that she experienced being from that culture (cartels, etc)... So yeah, I saw him, but I really didn't pay him much mind, because for one thing, I was dealing with a pseudo/near-Catfish like relationship with some ex-Army guy in Oklahoma (who is white, as well)..

Towards the end of the semester, this guy, lets call him "TK," manages to show up on my radar in a major way. He tells me that he thought I was mean, because of the intense way that I would look during lectures and most recently during his group's presentation.

This guy is charismatic, smooth, and a serious P****y Houndpussy hound. I didn't find that last part out until later, when he drafted me {with those big puppy dog eyes and strong hands (massaging my shoulders for 1 blissful minute)} to help his group edit their paper, because it was completely jacked up.

So, like a sucker, I did it. Stayed up until 1 am working on his group's paper, working on his paper while at work, on my lunch break, and then later at school. We worked on that sucker within a 48 hour period right up until the fucking deadline. (yes, I said fucking, because I just need to be real and get this crap off of my chest without any fucking judgement from anyone).

But here's the kicker, this 6'2" tall bastard asks me if I'd like to flirt. What the fuck does that even mean? Do I want to fucking flirt? Me, being goofy with stars in her eyes, says "sure.."

He takes my cell #, sends himself a text, and it's history. Now here comes the fun part, this police recruit who probably has loads of experience, basically rocks my cerebral world for 2 weeks.  He tells me that he'd make me melt, that he'd use his tongue on me, etc...  Yes, I was horny.  I knew that it was getting out of hand, and I knew that he had a girlfriend, which I talked about often, and I actually told him 2x that we needed to cool it, that he had a girlfriend & flirting wasn't cool, but did he listen to me... Nope.... Like any sincere P***y Hound seeking backup P***y, this guy continues to dig, until I had to apply a verbal smackdown, telling him that I wasn't comfortable with it, and so on..

After that, I thought that I'd finally managed to shake him loose. I erased all of his emails & his text message & his phone # from my cell.

So what happens? On New Year's Day, this monkey sends me a text asking if I'd like to let him give me a massage. WTH???!!

After that, truth be told, I injured my foot, sent him a text asking him to come and massage (goofy, right).. And of course, he doesn't show up... Why? Because he's all talk, and I had essentially been designated to the role of "Backup P***y.."

Just being real, because I need to get this off of my chest...

Fast forward to a new semester... This knucklehead sends me a text message saying "Hi" and asking if I would help him with writing papers, etc...

I ask him if anyone else can help him... He goes off in a huff, and get's even huffier when I send him a text at 3 in the morning telling him that I just can't do it, that I don't like the way that he treated me, and that I wish him well..

He then texts me, saying "Really? Wow.. Plz" & then he says that he's going to erase my info from his phone.. Yippe Kay-yay Motherfucker... Please do...

But guess what? He doesn't.. And how do I know? Because he texts me 1 week later...

And the rest gets interesting....

Bye for now