Was really sad & depressed on this morning. Cried some, which felt like a relief. Was asking myself, "why all of this sadness?" Wondered if I was crying because of his rejection of me as a woman, or because I'd lost someone that I'd really liked, like I haven't done in a long, long, long time...Also, I wondered if it was a combination of the two, along with a really good dose of shame. I do feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that i could allow myself to be duped like that. I feel like the Weird and not to mention Awkward Nerd who was suckered by the Popular High School Jock into doing his homework. I feel like such a fool. What really feels bad is that that bastard doesn't have a clue or if he does, he just doesn't give a damn about how manipulative that he really was. What I want to know is, when is this going to be made right? And when am I going to be able to laugh his dumb behavior off

On yesterday, I finished the last of the  papers that I promised to help him with. He shorted me $19. So instead of being angry and riding his behind about it, I made a decision to forgive the debt, forgive him, and cut him loose. I sent him a nice email, thanking him for the money, letting him know that I thought that he was a nice person, but that I understood now that he was not into me, the way that I was into him. I also let him know that I was going to delete his number and his email address. Amazingly enough, I feel free with very little stress. I don't know what it was, but I felt such a strong attraction towards him, almost like he was my "zing"... but I now know that it was temporary infatuation on my part, and a bold underhanded effort to be a user and tease on his part. I can't be angry about the experience, because for the 1st time in a long time, I could actually "feel"... It's hard to explain, but that was a part of me that I'd closed off for so long that when it happened, it felt so overpowering. After loosing 40lbs, I felt somewhat good about my body. With that being said, I am looking forward to losing the next 40 and the next 40 again, so that I can reach my goal size of a size 8. I'm halfway there, and it feels so good.

I think that overall, I believe that this experience with TK was just preparing me for who God has for me. Someone who won't think that I'm weird, Someone who will love me for me, and above all love God.
I should have checked out his nature, his personality, because these 4 months have been a serious rollercoaster ride.

To end this session, this morning, I had a revelation. I believe that it was from God. The reason why TK kept shorting me on the money he owed me, is because he wanted to keep me hanging on, keep the door open, if you will.

Well, yesterday, by the grace of God, I managed to shut that door, and I am so glad that I did.