Gained 10 pounds, but I'm going to lose 60 more

For the past month, I have been depressed, angry, frustrated, fearful, and sad.. I just started classes again for the Fall semester, and I have 1 more semester to go after this. I guess that you could say that I'm starting to feel the pressure. And on top of that, I saw that asshole again on last week. As if seeing his stupid oversized truck wasn't enough, I'm sitting in class and this jerk starts to walk by, sees me, and then stops. I do a double-take, do my best impersonation of a bitch glaring at a jerk, turn my head and return to the lecture presented by my Uber-Hilarious Chinese Immigrant Professor (yes folks, my professor has jokes, and plenty of 'em).

But getting back to Tim, I've decided to leave him alone. The man totally disrespected me, used me, and mocked me. I don't need nor want his brand of shit running amok in my life. Heck, I even disrespected myself, but guess what? It's a new Fucking day in my neighborhood.

I lost my way for a short season, but now, I'm back on track. Just because I don't fit his definition of beautiful/gorgeous, doesn't me that I'm not. I refuse to be against myself any longer. I refuse to hate myself, and stuff my gut to the gills, simply because I'm so fucking out of touch with my fucked up emotions that I can't see the forest for the fucking trees.

For the past 2 weeks, the voices saying that I was ugly, that I was stupid, crazy, fat, and deserving of punishment, just ran rampant and unchecked through my head. I let that shit happen because I didn't manage my inner emotional life worth a flip. I knew better than that, but I allowed myself to engage in a perpetual pity party that has resulted in me having more wiggle ass-wise and increased feelings of 'steaming hot guilt.'

I wish that I could talk to someone, but there's no one that I trust enough to 'not' cut my feelings up with their words and judgement.

Go figure...