Sunday, Runday

Yesterday was an interesting day. It was a fairly good day at church. However, being the logical thinker that I am, a few things didn't jibe, but I've chalked it up to having to " follow onto know."

Yesterday evening was trippy because in a sense, it felt like I was undergoing some type of spiritual warfare, or maybe it was just my logic getting in the way.

I love God,  I love my Pastor and I love my church, but I have a problem with reconciling the m-l-m as being legitimate, and I'm beginning to question this drawn out currency exchange wait.

I've read up on a particular exchange guru, and frankly, he sounds like a frickin shiester in the flesh. I don't know if that is the person that she subscribes to, and if so, what am I to do with that?

I believe that God is going to bless us. I believe that God is going to bless me. And I have to just deal with these doubt's before it takes me out and derails my future.

For 17 years, I've walked this road, and it definitely hasn't always been easy. For me, rejection is a big fear, and I have to overcome it without sacrificing my character and integrity.

But what am I to do when certain things are staring me dead in my face?

Does God see me as a doubting sinful heathen? Am I wrong to question what goes on at church?

At what point does it become sin for me to question what goes on?

Will my Pastor and my church reject and shun me?

Will God kick me to the curb because I'm have these doubt's?

What can I do?

2nd Thoughts from an Introspective thinker/Nerd

OK, so I've had about 12 hours and ponder the stuff that happened on yesterday, and what I've discovered is this, at this later time in my life, I'm starting to get some self-respect, I'm learning to set some boundaries, and I'm learning to cut people off when they prove themselves to be untrustworthy. I'm thankful for a developing sense if discernment, and I'm thankful that I've learned to truly love and respect myself. Although "Tim" happened, it was a good thing. Because that situation taught me where my weaknesses were and it taught me to get on the stick and work on me. That whole fairytale about a man coming to rescue me, just isn't true. It's only by the Grace of God that my life will count for something good.

Loneliness & the Infinite Sadness

Feeling lonely and mischevious, I conducted an impromptu social experiment via the Craigslist (er, Craigslust) platonic personals section on Friday night. My intent in doing so was two fold: 1. I was lonely and wanted someone new to talk to. 2. I wanted to see just how many nasty assholes would attempt to contact me despite my warnings about only wanting to chat. Of course, I had some weirdos reply, but I also had two interesting ones. The first was a so-called pilot from Canada who stated that he was married, so when that was mentioned, I definitely had to set up some steel toe boundaries with him. For a day, it was nice, but then he started trying to be really flirty. And when that happened, I would bring up his wife and reminders regarding how precious the marriage covenant really is. After I began to bore him, he ended it with a smirky comment. And another one bites the dust... The second one was a 49 year old educated Hispanic guy with penchant for music. Now him, I really did like because the conversation was easy and not at all flirty.. However after a day or so, he asked if I would like to contact him offline via text and he gave me his personal email address. I really did like him, but something just kept telling me to wait before I got in too deep. Well, on this morning, instead of saying "Hi" after he emailed me with a Good morning "Hi," I decided to wait a while before emailing him. Well let me tell you this, it was a good thing that i did that, because homeboy has some serious insecurity and anger issues going. So with that being said, I decided to cut him loose instead of utilizing my father's method of slowly but surely weeding someone out of my life. The one thing that I glad about is that I didn't allow myself to stomp him verbally, because I really wanted to. When he made the statement that everyone else via CL treated him this way, I almost made the statement that he was the common denominator. I'm really glad that I did not do that, because that would have really ticked him off. Oh well, the experiment continues. http://toohottieforthatbody.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/cameron-thats-messed-up-modern-family.gif

Today was a food day. I was able to go to church, and afterwards, I had some me time @ Braun's. I ate a junior hamburger, small order of fries, and a Caramel Brownie Sunday. After that , I went in search of a Goodwill store to hunt down a used laptop, in good condition. One issue that I had on today,was swollen feet, ankles, and calves. All I know is thia, I have got to cut back on the salty faar foos

Lost 8 pounds, have a bit o' stuff to deal with

The overall purpose of this blog is for me to get some stuff off of my chest without suffering the judgements of others, nor the intense inner turmoil that comes from keeping it all in. On Sunday morning, I was on FB about to see if my family in California was doing ok, and lo and behold, what do I see? The asshole and some mexican chick on his profile getting jiggy with it... Now before you get me wrong, know this. Tim's profile was on a list of friends to add (of which I said, Hell to the No!), but of course, I being the emotional sadist that I am, choose to look at his profile, and what do I see? I see that he is engaged to the mexican/costa rican/spanish chica as of this month. For a moment there, I had a moment of grief that stemmed from the months that i lost pining over this motherfucking Narcisstic asshole. I had to go back and ask myself, did I really think so low of myself that I actually wanted this asshole & thought that his ill-treatment of me was acceptable? As I began to give it some thought, I considered the 3 moments in my life where I tried to use food/weight gain as a way to smother my feelings about men. The conclusion? I just need to stop the bullshit, and just move on. That asshole never cared about me. He only cared about the A's & B's that I was able to generate for his papers. Lazy Ass MotherFucking Bastard. Yes, I motherfucking said iT!!! Lazy Ass Pussy of a Motherfucking Bastard!!! Ahh... That feels better. I hope I never cross paths with that Asshole ever again. I feel sorry for his fiancee, because Tim is a serious fucking Narcisstic asshole that just may take her through thre freaking wringer. God bless her soul. I do have to say this... In a way, as a multiracial woman of African descent, I felt like I was treated as a potential come dump, in favor of a lighter skinned woman with european features and a petite body. In other words, for a brief moment, I made the foolish move of comparing myself to the mexican/puerto rican/spanish chica. I have to wonder, did he just shit all over me because I'm black? Not skinny? Was shy about being overtly sexual, or what?? Why didn't he treat me right and see me as worthy of being loved? Why?!

What lies beneath...

Well, today, my family had to go and have Precious put down. Her kidneys were failing, and as anyone knows, a kidney transplant for a dog, would be economically outrageous. I'm so thankful that "we" had the money to cover the $4600 Vet bill, and also, I'm thankful for the awesome staff at the Vet Clinic. They were absolutely amazing. I'm going to miss Precious, and her weird funky bark/howl... And I will especially miss telling her "Don't Bite Me!" whenever I would give her a treat (which was just about always). We had five good years with that dog, I guess I can and should be grateful for that. But regardless, it still hurts not to have her here with us. If anything, paying $4600 for 5 days of care helped us to get closure.

Precious may be put to sleep

Last night, my brother and I took one of our dogs to a 24 hour vet. Precious has been feeling quite ill, and with that being the case we took her to the Vet. Of course, they wanted $1000 as a deposit. Her diagnosis? Well, apparently she has some type of major infection that's affecting her kidneys. I believe that we've gone as far as we can, in regards to the care and comfort of this dog. For 5 years we've cared for our baby girl, after we found her living on the street. She'd been 5 months old and was seriously abused by people living in/near our neighborhood. Thank God we were able to take her in and love her... Even though putting her down might be the best thing to do, it still hurts.

Who Gives a Flip?

Since this is my venting blog, please allow me to say this... idiotic people are full of shit!

A woman came into the library, and literally wasted 10 minutes of my time with her bullshit rant about not being able to open her fucking dvd case. Well, dumbass.. check the fucking case before you leave! Why don't you?

Stupid woman! Acting like she's going to have a friggin' nervous breakdown, just because someone didn't hold her hand and open her case for her.. Seriously? Must we tell our customers that cases are locked? Seriously???

While she was on a roll, I managed to sit back in my chair and look at her, and I do mean really look at her.

Just absolutely silly!

Wish I could talk to someone about this stuff, because shit like this is absolutely hilarious.

This is just me being real, without the mask of people pleasing and religion.

Graduated with my B.A, but feeling somewhat Ambivalent

On the 12th of May at 7:30pm, I graduated with my B.A in Sociology. Although I know I should be really happy, I've felt this malaise/ambivalence try to wear me down. I just miss school. I miss my professors, I miss my fellow students, and I miss the people that I used to tutor.

I have to make a decision regarding Grad School within the next week or so, and so far, I've narrowed it down to studying Journalism, Sociology, Social Work (yuck!), and Technological Methods for Instructors/Trainers.

One of the good things about this time is that I've been able to get some rest, but I'm still somewhat restless.

Currently I'm reading a book by Dr. Kevin Leman (Smart Women learn to say No!), it's helping me out, but again, I'm feeling a little on the funky side.

Oh! One side note, I thought that I'd see Tim during our school's graduation, but he along with quite a few students weren't there. I don't know if he flunked out during his last semester, he didn't want to brave the stormy weather, or if something happened to him. I was nervous about seeing him, but I was willing to do it. As a way to provide closure (for me), I sent him a text (via AOL) letting him know that I missed him during Graduation, but that I wished him all the best, and was praying that God would "richly bless him." He responded with a text to my AOL account, but I deleted it before I could read anything snide or hurtful.

I was feeling really good about finally letting that crap go, and personally I just didn't need his sarcasm to throw a monkeywrench in my parade of "Happy."

There... I feel better just getting that out...

I do have to say this... I sometimes wonder if Tim was an assigned distraction that was meant to delay me from moving forward in life. I wonder about it, because there's a saying that <i>the devil has a cake baked just for you...</i>

For a short season, I believe that Tim was that slice of buttercream cake, and believe you me, I really wanted to consume the whole cake.

In a way, I'm glad that he acted the way that he did (Narcissist!!!), because if he had actually shown that he was somewhat trustworthy, I probably would have slept with him. I wanted him, and I wanted him bad... Oh, so bad. It was like something was awoken from sleep, deep within, and I wanted to explore it. I wanted to be touched, and most of all, I wanted to be loved by someone.

Now, when I look back and see pictures of him, it really does weird me out, because he's not all that. In a way, he's kind of average/ugly for a white guy, and not to mention, he's got a small penis. Imagine my surprise when he sent me that pic via text, it looked like an angry little worm that he had to hold up with 2 of his fingers.. WTF?????

I've seen penis pics that were literally awe-inspiring works of art, his penis really did need to be hidden.

Regardless, if he'd been nice and had treated me better than he did, I really would not have cared. At the time, I just wanted to be with him.

Okay, I feel better getting that off of my chest.